Monday, March 26, 2007

Husband forgets which film he just saw

Area man and movie enthusiast John's Brain announced Saturday that he had completely forgotten which epic movie he had just finished viewing after coming upstairs at his family's home.

"He has no idea," said Posy, his wife of 12 years. "We've seen so many epics. We can't tell them apart anymore. "

The clearly agitated Brain remained adamant about recalling the event. "It might have been Star Wars," he said, nursing a large mug of coffee. "I don't know. It's going to bug me all day if I don't figure this out."

The couple began citing possible films but ultimately could not decide on which one he had actually seen.

"There's this poor farm boy in it," Brain said, "and someone gives him something and he doesn't really want it. It's a sword or a ring or an egg or something. Something magic and maybe evil. Either way, he's a farm boy."

"Is it Lord of the Rings?" asked Posy, attempting to help.

"No," countered Brain, "I think Harrison Ford was in it. He was fighting all these people. I think they were Nazis or maybe stormtroopers. Was Darth Vader a Nazi?"

Debate also focused on the differences between Ewoks and Hobbits.

At one point Posy suggested Dirty Harry but, Brain reminded her, that was fellow aging actor Clint Eastwood, not Ford. That series, which follows the story of a hardball San Francisco detective, was also dismissed due to its lack of wookies.

"If Dirty Harry was a wizard," Brain added, "the case would have been solved in ten minutes. And besides, who ever heard of a wizard named 'Harry'?"

Brain then removed his glasses and pinched the upper bridge of his nose. "Was it Star Wars? Because there was this poor farm boy."

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Giveth up thy what now?

On the bus ride home from work, I read the following message on our church's sign out front:

Give up your fear of dying

A week later it said:

Give up your fear of living

The week after that it said:

Give up your guilt and misery

Come on, this is the Midwest. By Easter we'll all be dead from boredom.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

And he was never taken seriously again.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Mystery Radio Theater Presents

The name's Brain. I'm a detective. I dig around in peoples' lives and pull out the stuff they don't want but can't get rid of by themselves. Why? Guess I think it'll make 'em feel better. Never saw a guilty man die happy.

Tonight's episode: The Case of The Missing Dagger

It was early. I was stuffing the last bit of oatmeal in my mouth when I read the headline on the box:

Five Times More Omega 3's Than Regular Oatmeal!

I didn't really know what all the excitement was about. I was never good at math or Greek. I don't know why all those extra 3's are five times better at the end, but it's more than I could say for regular oatmeal.

Then I saw the little dagger symbol.

In my business that means someone has more to say but they don't want you to know what it is. So they make a footnote and stick it somewhere else, thinking you either won't care or won't have enough time to go snooping around.

I've seen a lot of daggers in my day, I even used a couple myself once. But I never saw anyone tag one on that didn't lead somewhere else. Whatever else this guy had to say, he thought he could bury it on a simple 6-sided box.

Not with me on the case. He'd have a better chance of winning the lottery with a parking ticket.

I pulled the box closer and felt the adrenaline hit me as I snooped around, weaving in and out of eye-popping graphics and exclamation points, I could smell that footnote, it was close. But every time the lead got hot I'd stumble over a nutrition label or a drawing of a heart with wheat coming out of it.

This guy was good, a real pro. It took a full minute for me to realize that I'd been staring at a sign that said "Enhanced with barley and ground flaxseed." What the hell does that even mean?

By now I knew I'd be late for the number ten downtown, so I dropped the box and hoofed it down the street.

The distance seemed to make it worse. I spent the whole day stirring it over in my head. They always say not to dwell on things, but I'm already a snooper, and snoopers can't not be dwellers.

By the time I got back home my curiosity was higher than a cat on nip, I couldn't wait to get back to the chase. I picked up the box, found the headline...

Then it hit me. I was looking right at it.

That was the footnote.

The dagger was at the beginning of the headline, not the end.

The adrenaline burned off like a match under a faucet. I felt like a two-cent stamp on a trash bag.

They say that losing is like winning, it just doesn't feel like it yet. I don't know what that means, but if it's true, then I'd just won the lousiest game against the best loser of all time, but somehow I'd feel better about it later.

It doesn't matter. I'll never meet him anyway. And tomorrow I'll be hungry all over again.

The name's Brain. I'm a detective...

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Ok, I'm back now.

And now for some local news.

Weary customer uses shopping cart to rest top half of body; solace sought

In an attempt to stave off a "mental wall," area man John's Brain was seen slumped over his shopping cart during a trip to Target last evening. He was waiting for his wife, Posy, to return from a trip to the restroom with their daughter, who allegedly had to "go potty."

"I just want to go home," Brain said. "I came here to get yogurt and meat, and that was an hour ago."

Although there was no prior indication that he was suffering from fatigue, Brain suggested that the sugar rush from his hot cider drink was wearing off.

"If I'm here much longer," he said into his coat sleeve, "I just know I'll walk out with the third season of The Simpsons. It's on sale and I'm right here and I've wanted it for like a month."

Brain then fell silent and began rocking the cart back and forth with one leg.

Witnesses reported seeing a woman emerge from the restroom a few minutes later with a young girl who, when asked to comment, replied, "I went potty!"

The family then proceeded to the checkout, where they completed their transactions and left the store.