Adventures on a Sidewalk

Every day on the walk home I encounter the same piece of dog poop. It's in the middle of the sidewalk. After weeks of sitting there it doesn't even look like poop anymore, just a clump of dirt that the flies abandon when I get too close. I forget that it's there every time, and every time I see it I almost step on it and every time I think Whew, that was close.

It reminds me of work somehow.

At the Movies

I found out that Star Trek opened a day earlier than planned, and about three hours after my eye appointment. So, through a blur of tears (a mix of happy excitement and huge pupils) I told my wife, who quickly arranged to have our daughter dropped off at a very understanding friend's house.

I don't want to give anything away, so I'll work around the plot as much as I can. One part of the story focuses on how Kirk gets to Starfleet and meets everybody. The other part of the story is about this guy who wants to do lots of things that are bad, and the good guys have to stop him, which seems impossible because the villain is a really mad grown-up.

But the story is just the half of it. The special effects were seamless, like there's this thing that goes [sucking noise] and then [sound a black hole makes], and then [explosion sound]! and then "Hey you can't do that!" and the other guys are like "What do we do?!" [more explosion sounds] "Aaah!"

I loved it. They made Star Trek edgy again, but without being dark. And they took out all the stupid winks and musical kisses that had become the tired staple of Star Trek films. In McCoy's own words, they made space a place filled with "disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence." Now that's science fiction!

Even if you're not a fan of Star Trek you'll enjoy the show. It's funny. It's tragic. The characters are complex. The special effects are unmatched. And it all happens in 2 hours.

By the way, having your pupils dilated is an awesome cover for tears.

I just read that the swine flu has been upgraded to level 5, which means it's officially a pandemic. And yet I'm not scared. At least I don't think I am. I don't know. Should I be?

Because, in the same breath they seem to say Don't panic.

Well, okay.

But it's a pandemic -- but don't be alarmed.

Uh huh.

Level 5.

I see.

That means it's airborne and in more than one country and it could hurt you almost as much as the regular flu, and did we mention that the swine flu is a pandemic?!?!

Yeah I got that. Here's my thing. When you say "global," to me that sounds really bad. And "pandemic" already has the word "panic" in it. But you're telling me that for now I should just cover my sneezes, wash my hands, and avoid public places or I might get the runs and feel really tired?

Guess what, I'm almost 40 -- it's the same thing!! You can't say "Level 5" and "basic hygiene" in the same sentence! If that's true, then every day is Level 5 -- heck, being a dad is level 5! Come on people! I want to hear that those pigs have jammed our radar and they attack at dawn! Tell me to start storing water and conducting air raid drills under the table because HERE COME THE PIGS!!!!

Not, "Wash your hands."

Until then, I have no choice but to go to work tomorrow. In the middle of a PANDEMIC. And if swine flu hits -- and I've just heard Minnesota has its first case -- then I'll probably get sick. But no more than I would from hearing about how casually I should be treating this global catastrophe.

I just touched my face, I better go shower.

My flies have no zip.

I have two pairs of jeans. The zipper on each pair always seems to come down without my help. My wife said I should take them to a seamstress, but that would cost me time, money, brain cells, and pants.

The end.

Don't worry, I didn't

An Inventory of Chairs

6 deck chairs
2 lounge chairs
1 beach chair
2 wicker chairs
2 easy chairs
1 piano bench
1 captain's chair
2 office chairs
2 children's desk chairs
1 bee chair
1 rocking chair
12 dining chairs
1 drum stool

Not bad for a family of three.

P.S., we also have 6 spatulas.

At the Movies

Skeletor wants all the power in the universe. He has to, his name is Skeletor. And he's mad. He gets on the holographic phone and his face threatens everyone on planet Eternia -- all 12 of them. He-man watches the message from on top of a mountain, then turns to the camera and tries to look worried.

Then He-man, another man, and a lady show up and go to a dwarf's house to get a secret weapon made out of tuning forks that sends you across the galaxy if you play it like a synthesizer.

They do, and Skeletor gets even more mad. He sends his best stunt men in rubber alien masks to go find the weapon. They use radar.

He-man and his friends land in a small town on Earth and steal some fried chicken. It's supposed to be funny but it isn't. Who wants to see someone try to figure out fried chicken? Take yourself seriously, movie.

Enter Courtney Cox, very cute and almost the best thing in this film. She's going to leave her boyfriend because he's in a band, which we never meet. (Years later the boyfriend will become Tom Paris on Star Trek Voyager, a much better sci-fi show.) They go to the graveyard to visit her parents who were killed in a plane crash, and find the weapon. He wants to keep it, but the high-school principal from Back to the Future wants it to be evidence. They all meet the bad guys and run around.

Skeletor, who has been watching the whole thing from the other side of the universe, finally gets pissed off enough to come over here himself and throw down. He zaps Courtney Cox in the leg, melts the weapon, and takes He-man back to Eternia so he can enslave him before he kills him. He actually does succeed and becomes a god, but all the power in the universe isn't enough to stop the good guys from following him back and winning. The end.

I wanted this movie to be bad but it wasn't, it was just boring. I recognized 1.5 people from the cartoon version. Orko was replaced by a dwarf who's stiff mask made all of his dialog look like "mama." Even Battle Cat was missing.

Skeletor was easily the best thing in the whole movie. He was just nuts. Good skull make-up too, especially for 1987.

This movie gets 1.5 stars for each character I cared about.


P.S., When the dwarf sends everyone back to Earth he makes it so that Courtney's parents aren't dead after all.