The Headland Observer

Ancient Clinic Discovered

 Archaeologists Saturday unearthed a medical temple dating back to the Mayoan era.

"It's quite a find," said Bill Johnson, head archeologist. "It’s rare to see something this well preserved."

The structure’s near-perfect condition is probably due to the sterile environment kept by the Mayoan priests. 

Among the findings, Johnson's favorite is an oddly shaped device inscribed with the words, "fax machine: for internal use only."

"We found it against the wall in an ante room," he said, “so it’s clear that the clinic slaves, or ‘employees,’ were not allowed to use it.”

Hieroglyphic markings indicate that it was used as a vessel for prayer to their gods via parchment, which was placed on an upright tray and sent into the afterlife by punching a code into the numerical keypad. 

Johnson also found what appeared to be a white ceremonial gown adorned with a pronged necklace. "I have no idea what this was for," Johnson laughed. He then stuck the prongs into his ears and held up the other end. "I'm going to listen to your heart,” he joked.

The Headland Observer

Impostor Crashes Ball Game

A large brown bear pretending to be a person was taken into custody shortly before a Twins game at Target Field yesterday.

“We usually spot suspicious people right away,” said Ted Johnson, director of security. “But that bear had a baseball cap on and walked right through the gates. This guy had weeks of training. We were totally fooled.”

When asked about the bear’s appearance on Free Salmon night at the ballpark, Johnson stated that it could be a coincidence, “but he did jump up and down a few times after we gave him that fish. And I remember thinking, ‘Well that’s different.’”

The bear wandered freely about the park for several minutes, arousing suspicion only after several onlookers reported a “big hairy guy” swinging at a bees’ nest near the Twins’ dugout.

The bear was tranquilized, held for questioning, tagged, and released without incident.

The Headland Observer

Credit for original photo: Jay Nemeth/Red Bull Content Pool

Man Loses Patience, Moves to Edge of Space

Phil Johnson, fed up with his neighbor’s leaf blower, moved into a floating capsule at the edge of space Tuesday.

The pod, which floats 24 miles above the Earth’s surface, has made a dramatic difference in silencing the droning whine of the leaf blower.

But Johnson says the pod’s interior soundproofing “is what really quiets things down.”

“My neighbor can blow those leaves where the sun don’t shine for all I care,” he said via satellite, sipping his coffee while the continent drifted below. 

Johnson’s neighbor, who had no idea he was bothering him, was so shocked by the move that he died.

C-3PO Jailed

C-3PO, the copper-plated droid who played R2D2's fretful sidekick in the popular Star Wars series, was sentenced yesterday to 1 year in jail after being found guilty of stalking.

The ruling comes after Mr. 3PO failed to comply with a restraining order for harassing George Lucas, whom he blames for emotional damages suffered during the filming of the first three Star Wars films.

According to his agent, C-3PO endured abduction by Jawas, being gifted into slavery under Jabba the Hutt by Luke Skywalker, a beheading, a backwards re-heading, having to learn over 6 million forms of communication, getting an eye chewed out, being blown into pieces, numerous falls, impersonating a deity against his will, and being forced to perform naked.

A representative for Mr. Lucas said that C-3PO approached him two years ago at a science fiction convention, where he was curtly "flipped off" and told to "go chase himself." Another incident occurred weeks later, when 3PO was asked to leave a restaurant after staring into the front window where Lucas was dining with friends. 

The droid's problems began during the first shoot, when a panic attack caused him to throw up his arms and hit a switch that activated a trash compactor in which the actors were rehearsing. Lucas unintentionally added to C-3PO's humiliation by putting that take into the final version of the film.

R2D2 could not be reached for comment, but according to his agent, he feels very "beep boop beep" for his friend and hopes that C-3PO can "boop-ee-doop" from this setback.

Lavish beaver lodge found

Ike Clemens, a local river rat, discovered what appeared to be an exquisitely built beaver home in the middle of the Mississippi River Monday.

Clemens declared to reporters that he "ain't never seen the like." 

"I's a-walkin' along yonder when all a-sudden [pause, dumb look], they's a house right there!" he announced in a grammatical train wreck.

According to Clemens, the unoccupied home was not built by regular beavers, but by invisible super beavers who work for the government.

"T'other way for how you can explain to?" he asked/said.

Walking Speed Has Opposite Influence on Social Standing, Study Finds

Scientists have put to rest the myth that if you walk faster or louder, you will seem more important.

In fact, you may illicit the opposite response and be seen as a complete lack-wit who has no control over his own life.

In a recent study on the effects of nonverbal cues among office workers, participants were asked to rate the importance of a person only by the sound of their footsteps.

The subjects, whose occupations ranged from CEO to mail sorter, were given shoes with hard rubber soles (men) or high heels (women) and asked to walk at their own pace toward a ringing telephone at the end of a 30-foot linoleum hallway.

Of those who walked faster, 100% were perceived as "arrogant," "late," or "just damned annoying."

In contrast, 100% of those who walked at a slower pace were thought to be "with it," "totally on top of things," or "trustworthy," regardless of shoe squeakiness.

Shufflers were considered a scientific anomaly and were excluded from the study.

An unexpected outcome of the study was the high rate of listeners who reported that the sound of someone walking fast increased their own heart rate, which suggests that the body's metabolism could be increased just by sitting near someone who is actually moving. Further study involving gyms and recliners is already underway.

The study's findings will be published in an upcoming issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

A Race Without Arms

The restrooms at my office now have motion-sensing towel dispensers. I don't get it.

Yes, we live in the 21st century, and technology is advancing at a faster rate all the time. But maybe that's a problem too.

Our relationship with technology always seems to follow a certain pattern:

1. We acquire it.

2. We study it just long enough to figure out how we can use it.

3. We immediately market products that are stupid and self-serving.

We do not need laser beams to help us get paper towels. And anyway, if we have to use our hands to activate the laser, what's the point? It's a hands-free device for hands.

I don't even want to think about the ratio of useful-to-stupid technologies. For every surgeon who uses robotic arms to operate on a patient from across the country, we probably have twenty towel dispensers equipped with lasers. In time, one of two things will happen:

1. We will accidentally evolve beyond the need for arms, which will shrivel up and fall off. Then we won't be able to cover our coughing, dry our hands, or pull up our own pants, and the resulting germ parade will destroy our species and monkeys will inherit the earth.

2. Paper towel dispensers will become sentient, enslave humanity, and dry off the entire world.

It's either monkeys or towels.

Whether we're fighting for more time or fewer germs, our capacity to pervert new technology always seems to eclipse our respect for it, and we end up with lamps that can turn on and off because we clap our hands at them, or antibacterial soap so strong it could eat the bark from a tree. It's no wonder aliens are trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be caught gawking.