Devil in a Blue Tooth

I just got back from the Verizon store. I would say the "cell phone store," but they said there are 89 million Verizon customers in the US. If you deduct the number of people living in rest homes, that equals the entire country.

I've always been against owning a cell phone. Except for a motor vehicle emergency, I can't think of a good reason to have one. I'm either at work, Target, home, or on a bus in between. I try to lead as unobtrusive a life as possible, which is harder than it sounds.

And companies have made the concept of cell phone ownership so alluring over the last 15 years that they don't even have to try anymore. I feel like I've become a member of a cult. We walked in and there was a guy who's only job was to greet us and sign us up for assistance, on a computer monitor. The other TVs showed their newest line of products and plans, more complicated than any moon landing manual.

Constant commercials shot out palettes of colorful, shiny cell phones, swirling like Borg children who looked like they couldn't wait to assimilate me and all my friends and family. Handouts and hands-on stations awaited us with 17 different models that had just been "launched," each with a phone book of fun features and plans to choose from. (Their newest model is the Droid. Its banner display proudly boasts an evil-looking red eye and claims to "know everything.")

I came home with a new cell phone, but I feel like it cost me my soul. I'll have to check the toilet-paper-length receipt "contract" and see if there's any fine print regarding the afterlife.

If I did end up selling my soul, and I do go to hell, at least I'll be able to send unlimited text of my fire-soaked agony to my loved ones for free.

The Village Idiot

Author's Note: This is a parody. The opinions expressed here are the exact opposite of those of a smart person.

President Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize today, and a lot of Americans are upset. And I understand that. I mean we just get done celebrating his epic loss in the bid to host the Olympics in our own country, and now this.

I mean, come on! There are still people without jobs. There are still people without insurance. We've been at war for eight years...

...what am I missing here? Things are great!

But then, "Oh excuse me, we need to 'think green,' we need to insure everybody, the banks have too much power, and by the way my middle name is Hussein and I heart terrorists!"

The guy does nothing but whine for a year, and the folks at Nobel -- socialists from another country -- give him a medal.

Well let me ask one question: where was the Nobel committee on 9/11? Where were they when we liberated Iraq? Where were they...well you get the picture.

If you ask me, and you always should, we don't need peace medals. Look at Dick Cheney. You wouldn't even try to give him a peace medal. George Bush didn't need a peace medal, and look what he did. (Anyone remember "Mission Accomplished"?)

Now it doesn't take a smart man to figure out that Republicans aren't known for winning peace medals. Unless they shot the other nominees.

Because we're Americans. And we take what we want. And we also love our guns.

But we don't want this. So I say, take it back, Mr. President! If you're as smart as the huge majority of the people in this country think you are, take back that medal! You said it yourself: "I'm not worthy to stand among the other recipients of this award."

This great country stands for one thing: freedom, and the right to invade it on others. And if you don't understand that, then you don't understand freedom, and the right to invade it on others.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

Adventures on a Sidewalk

Every day on the walk home I encounter the same piece of dog poop. It's in the middle of the sidewalk. After weeks of sitting there it doesn't even look like poop anymore, just a clump of dirt that the flies abandon when I get too close. I forget that it's there every time, and every time I see it I almost step on it and every time I think Whew, that was close.

It reminds me of work somehow.

At the Movies

I found out that Star Trek opened a day earlier than planned, and about three hours after my eye appointment. So, through a blur of tears (a mix of happy excitement and huge pupils) I told my wife, who quickly arranged to have our daughter dropped off at a very understanding friend's house.

I don't want to give anything away, so I'll work around the plot as much as I can. One part of the story focuses on how Kirk gets to Starfleet and meets everybody. The other part of the story is about this guy who wants to do lots of things that are bad, and the good guys have to stop him, which seems impossible because the villain is a really mad grown-up.

But the story is just the half of it. The special effects were seamless, like there's this thing that goes [sucking noise] and then [sound a black hole makes], and then [explosion sound]! and then "Hey you can't do that!" and the other guys are like "What do we do?!" [more explosion sounds] "Aaah!"

I loved it. They made Star Trek edgy again, but without being dark. And they took out all the stupid winks and musical kisses that had become the tired staple of Star Trek films. In McCoy's own words, they made space a place filled with "disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence." Now that's science fiction!

Even if you're not a fan of Star Trek you'll enjoy the show. It's funny. It's tragic. The characters are complex. The special effects are unmatched. And it all happens in 2 hours.

By the way, having your pupils dilated is an awesome cover for tears.

I just read that the swine flu has been upgraded to level 5, which means it's officially a pandemic. And yet I'm not scared. At least I don't think I am. I don't know. Should I be?

Because, in the same breath they seem to say Don't panic.

Well, okay.

But it's a pandemic -- but don't be alarmed.

Uh huh.

Level 5.

I see.

That means it's airborne and in more than one country and it could hurt you almost as much as the regular flu, and did we mention that the swine flu is a pandemic?!?!

Yeah I got that. Here's my thing. When you say "global," to me that sounds really bad. And "pandemic" already has the word "panic" in it. But you're telling me that for now I should just cover my sneezes, wash my hands, and avoid public places or I might get the runs and feel really tired?

Guess what, I'm almost 40 -- it's the same thing!! You can't say "Level 5" and "basic hygiene" in the same sentence! If that's true, then every day is Level 5 -- heck, being a dad is level 5! Come on people! I want to hear that those pigs have jammed our radar and they attack at dawn! Tell me to start storing water and conducting air raid drills under the table because HERE COME THE PIGS!!!!

Not, "Wash your hands."

Until then, I have no choice but to go to work tomorrow. In the middle of a PANDEMIC. And if swine flu hits -- and I've just heard Minnesota has its first case -- then I'll probably get sick. But no more than I would from hearing about how casually I should be treating this global catastrophe.

I just touched my face, I better go shower.