C-3PO Jailed

C-3PO, the copper-plated droid who played R2D2's fretful sidekick in the popular Star Wars series, was sentenced yesterday to 1 year in jail after being found guilty of stalking.

The ruling comes after Mr. 3PO failed to comply with a restraining order for harassing George Lucas, whom he blames for emotional damages suffered during the filming of the first three Star Wars films.

According to his agent, C-3PO endured abduction by Jawas, being gifted into slavery under Jabba the Hutt by Luke Skywalker, a beheading, a backwards re-heading, having to learn over 6 million forms of communication, getting an eye chewed out, being blown into pieces, numerous falls, impersonating a deity against his will, and being forced to perform naked.

A representative for Mr. Lucas said that C-3PO approached him two years ago at a science fiction convention, where he was curtly "flipped off" and told to "go chase himself." Another incident occurred weeks later, when 3PO was asked to leave a restaurant after staring into the front window where Lucas was dining with friends. 

The droid's problems began during the first shoot, when a panic attack caused him to throw up his arms and hit a switch that activated a trash compactor in which the actors were rehearsing. Lucas unintentionally added to C-3PO's humiliation by putting that take into the final version of the film.

R2D2 could not be reached for comment, but according to his agent, he feels very "beep boop beep" for his friend and hopes that C-3PO can "boop-ee-doop" from this setback.

Lavish beaver lodge found

Ike Clemens, a local river rat, discovered what appeared to be an exquisitely built beaver home in the middle of the Mississippi River Monday.

Clemens declared to reporters that he "ain't never seen the like." 

"I's a-walkin' along yonder when all a-sudden [pause, dumb look], they's a house right there!" he announced in a grammatical train wreck.

According to Clemens, the unoccupied home was not built by regular beavers, but by invisible super beavers who work for the government.

"T'other way for how you can explain to?" he asked/said.

Walking Speed Has Opposite Influence on Social Standing, Study Finds

Scientists have put to rest the myth that if you walk faster or louder, you will seem more important.

In fact, you may illicit the opposite response and be seen as a complete lack-wit who has no control over his own life.

In a recent study on the effects of nonverbal cues among office workers, participants were asked to rate the importance of a person only by the sound of their footsteps.

The subjects, whose occupations ranged from CEO to mail sorter, were given shoes with hard rubber soles (men) or high heels (women) and asked to walk at their own pace toward a ringing telephone at the end of a 30-foot linoleum hallway.

Of those who walked faster, 100% were perceived as "arrogant," "late," or "just damned annoying."

In contrast, 100% of those who walked at a slower pace were thought to be "with it," "totally on top of things," or "trustworthy," regardless of shoe squeakiness.

Shufflers were considered a scientific anomaly and were excluded from the study.

An unexpected outcome of the study was the high rate of listeners who reported that the sound of someone walking fast increased their own heart rate, which suggests that the body's metabolism could be increased just by sitting near someone who is actually moving. Further study involving gyms and recliners is already underway.

The study's findings will be published in an upcoming issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.