Saturday, March 22, 2008

At the Movies

Skeletor wants all the power in the universe. He has to, his name is Skeletor. And he's mad. He gets on the holographic phone and his face threatens everyone on planet Eternia -- all 12 of them. He-man watches the message from on top of a mountain, then turns to the camera and tries to look worried.

Then He-man, another man, and a lady show up and go to a dwarf's house to get a secret weapon made out of tuning forks that sends you across the galaxy if you play it like a synthesizer.

They do, and Skeletor gets even more mad. He sends his best stunt men in rubber alien masks to go find the weapon. They use radar.

He-man and his friends land in a small town on Earth and steal some fried chicken. It's supposed to be funny but it isn't. Who wants to see someone try to figure out fried chicken? Take yourself seriously, movie.

Enter Courtney Cox, very cute and almost the best thing in this film. She's going to leave her boyfriend because he's in a band, which we never meet. (Years later the boyfriend will become Tom Paris on Star Trek Voyager, a much better sci-fi show.) They go to the graveyard to visit her parents who were killed in a plane crash, and find the weapon. He wants to keep it, but the high-school principal from Back to the Future wants it to be evidence. They all meet the bad guys and run around.

Skeletor, who has been watching the whole thing from the other side of the universe, finally gets pissed off enough to come over here himself and throw down. He zaps Courtney Cox in the leg, melts the weapon, and takes He-man back to Eternia so he can enslave him before he kills him. He actually does succeed and becomes a god, but all the power in the universe isn't enough to stop the good guys from following him back and winning. The end.

I wanted this movie to be bad but it wasn't, it was just boring. I recognized 1.5 people from the cartoon version. Orko was replaced by a dwarf who's stiff mask made all of his dialog look like "mama." Even Battle Cat was missing.

Skeletor was easily the best thing in the whole movie. He was just nuts. Good skull make-up too, especially for 1987.

This movie gets 1.5 stars for each character I cared about.

P.S., When the dwarf sends everyone back to Earth he makes it so that Courtney's parents aren't dead after all.


Anonymous said...

that movie suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.


Anonymous said...



Moxy Jane said...

Thank you so much for watching this (and your synopsis was probably WAY better than the actual movie) so that I don't ever have to. You are a true friend and I am in your debt.