The Headland Observer

Ancient Clinic Discovered

 Archaeologists Saturday unearthed a medical temple dating back to the Mayoan era.

"It's quite a find," said Bill Johnson, head archeologist. "It’s rare to see something this well preserved."

The structure’s near-perfect condition is probably due to the sterile environment kept by the Mayoan priests. 

Among the findings, Johnson's favorite is an oddly shaped device inscribed with the words, "fax machine: for internal use only."

"We found it against the wall in an ante room," he said, “so it’s clear that the clinic slaves, or ‘employees,’ were not allowed to use it.”

Hieroglyphic markings indicate that it was used as a vessel for prayer to their gods via parchment, which was placed on an upright tray and sent into the afterlife by punching a code into the numerical keypad. 

Johnson also found what appeared to be a white ceremonial gown adorned with a pronged necklace. "I have no idea what this was for," Johnson laughed. He then stuck the prongs into his ears and held up the other end. "I'm going to listen to your heart,” he joked.

The Headland Observer

Impostor Crashes Ball Game

A large brown bear pretending to be a person was taken into custody shortly before a Twins game at Target Field yesterday.

“We usually spot suspicious people right away,” said Ted Johnson, director of security. “But that bear had a baseball cap on and walked right through the gates. This guy had weeks of training. We were totally fooled.”

When asked about the bear’s appearance on Free Salmon night at the ballpark, Johnson stated that it could be a coincidence, “but he did jump up and down a few times after we gave him that fish. And I remember thinking, ‘Well that’s different.’”

The bear wandered freely about the park for several minutes, arousing suspicion only after several onlookers reported a “big hairy guy” swinging at a bees’ nest near the Twins’ dugout.

The bear was tranquilized, held for questioning, tagged, and released without incident.

The Headland Observer

Credit for original photo: Jay Nemeth/Red Bull Content Pool

Man Loses Patience, Moves to Edge of Space

Phil Johnson, fed up with his neighbor’s leaf blower, moved into a floating capsule at the edge of space Tuesday.

The pod, which floats 24 miles above the Earth’s surface, has made a dramatic difference in silencing the droning whine of the leaf blower.

But Johnson says the pod’s interior soundproofing “is what really quiets things down.”

“My neighbor can blow those leaves where the sun don’t shine for all I care,” he said via satellite, sipping his coffee while the continent drifted below. 

Johnson’s neighbor, who had no idea he was bothering him, was so shocked by the move that he died.