The Headland Observer

Ancient Clinic Discovered

 Archaeologists Saturday unearthed a medical temple dating back to the Mayoan era.

"It's quite a find," said Bill Johnson, head archeologist. "It’s rare to see something this well preserved."

The structure’s near-perfect condition is probably due to the sterile environment kept by the Mayoan priests. 

Among the findings, Johnson's favorite is an oddly shaped device inscribed with the words, "fax machine: for internal use only."

"We found it against the wall in an ante room," he said, “so it’s clear that the clinic slaves, or ‘employees,’ were not allowed to use it.”

Hieroglyphic markings indicate that it was used as a vessel for prayer to their gods via parchment, which was placed on an upright tray and sent into the afterlife by punching a code into the numerical keypad. 

Johnson also found what appeared to be a white ceremonial gown adorned with a pronged necklace. "I have no idea what this was for," Johnson laughed. He then stuck the prongs into his ears and held up the other end. "I'm going to listen to your heart,” he joked.

The Headland Observer

Impostor Crashes Ball Game

A large brown bear pretending to be a person was taken into custody shortly before a Twins game at Target Field yesterday.

“We usually spot suspicious people right away,” said Ted Johnson, director of security. “But that bear had a baseball cap on and walked right through the gates. This guy had weeks of training. We were totally fooled.”

When asked about the bear’s appearance on Free Salmon night at the ballpark, Johnson stated that it could be a coincidence, “but he did jump up and down a few times after we gave him that fish. And I remember thinking, ‘Well that’s different.’”

The bear wandered freely about the park for several minutes, arousing suspicion only after several onlookers reported a “big hairy guy” swinging at a bees’ nest near the Twins’ dugout.

The bear was tranquilized, held for questioning, tagged, and released without incident.

The Headland Observer

Credit for original photo: Jay Nemeth/Red Bull Content Pool

Man Loses Patience, Moves to Edge of Space

Phil Johnson, fed up with his neighbor’s leaf blower, moved into a floating capsule at the edge of space Tuesday.

The pod, which floats 24 miles above the Earth’s surface, has made a dramatic difference in silencing the droning whine of the leaf blower.

But Johnson says the pod’s interior soundproofing “is what really quiets things down.”

“My neighbor can blow those leaves where the sun don’t shine for all I care,” he said via satellite, sipping his coffee while the continent drifted below. 

Johnson’s neighbor, who had no idea he was bothering him, was so shocked by the move that he died.

C-3PO Jailed

C-3PO, the copper-plated droid who played R2D2's fretful sidekick in the popular Star Wars series, was sentenced yesterday to 1 year in jail after being found guilty of stalking.

The ruling comes after Mr. 3PO failed to comply with a restraining order for harassing George Lucas, whom he blames for emotional damages suffered during the filming of the first three Star Wars films.

According to his agent, C-3PO endured abduction by Jawas, being gifted into slavery under Jabba the Hutt by Luke Skywalker, a beheading, a backwards re-heading, having to learn over 6 million forms of communication, getting an eye chewed out, being blown into pieces, numerous falls, impersonating a deity against his will, and being forced to perform naked.

A representative for Mr. Lucas said that C-3PO approached him two years ago at a science fiction convention, where he was curtly "flipped off" and told to "go chase himself." Another incident occurred weeks later, when 3PO was asked to leave a restaurant after staring into the front window where Lucas was dining with friends. 

The droid's problems began during the first shoot, when a panic attack caused him to throw up his arms and hit a switch that activated a trash compactor in which the actors were rehearsing. Lucas unintentionally added to C-3PO's humiliation by putting that take into the final version of the film.

R2D2 could not be reached for comment, but according to his agent, he feels very "beep boop beep" for his friend and hopes that C-3PO can "boop-ee-doop" from this setback.

Lavish beaver lodge found

Ike Clemens, a local river rat, discovered what appeared to be an exquisitely built beaver home in the middle of the Mississippi River Monday.

Clemens declared to reporters that he "ain't never seen the like." 

"I's a-walkin' along yonder when all a-sudden [pause, dumb look], they's a house right there!" he announced in a grammatical train wreck.

According to Clemens, the unoccupied home was not built by regular beavers, but by invisible super beavers who work for the government.

"T'other way for how you can explain to?" he asked/said.

Walking Speed Has Opposite Influence on Social Standing, Study Finds

Scientists have put to rest the myth that if you walk faster or louder, you will seem more important.

In fact, you may illicit the opposite response and be seen as a complete lack-wit who has no control over his own life.

In a recent study on the effects of nonverbal cues among office workers, participants were asked to rate the importance of a person only by the sound of their footsteps.

The subjects, whose occupations ranged from CEO to mail sorter, were given shoes with hard rubber soles (men) or high heels (women) and asked to walk at their own pace toward a ringing telephone at the end of a 30-foot linoleum hallway.

Of those who walked faster, 100% were perceived as "arrogant," "late," or "just damned annoying."

In contrast, 100% of those who walked at a slower pace were thought to be "with it," "totally on top of things," or "trustworthy," regardless of shoe squeakiness.

Shufflers were considered a scientific anomaly and were excluded from the study.

An unexpected outcome of the study was the high rate of listeners who reported that the sound of someone walking fast increased their own heart rate, which suggests that the body's metabolism could be increased just by sitting near someone who is actually moving. Further study involving gyms and recliners is already underway.

The study's findings will be published in an upcoming issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

A Race Without Arms

The restrooms at my office now have motion-sensing towel dispensers. I don't get it.

Yes, we live in the 21st century, and technology is advancing at a faster rate all the time. But maybe that's a problem too.

Our relationship with technology always seems to follow a certain pattern:

1. We acquire it.

2. We study it just long enough to figure out how we can use it.

3. We immediately market products that are stupid and self-serving.

We do not need laser beams to help us get paper towels. And anyway, if we have to use our hands to activate the laser, what's the point? It's a hands-free device for hands.

I don't even want to think about the ratio of useful-to-stupid technologies. For every surgeon who uses robotic arms to operate on a patient from across the country, we probably have twenty towel dispensers equipped with lasers. In time, one of two things will happen:

1. We will accidentally evolve beyond the need for arms, which will shrivel up and fall off. Then we won't be able to cover our coughing, dry our hands, or pull up our own pants, and the resulting germ parade will destroy our species and monkeys will inherit the earth.

2. Paper towel dispensers will become sentient, enslave humanity, and dry off the entire world.

It's either monkeys or towels.

Whether we're fighting for more time or fewer germs, our capacity to pervert new technology always seems to eclipse our respect for it, and we end up with lamps that can turn on and off because we clap our hands at them, or antibacterial soap so strong it could eat the bark from a tree. It's no wonder aliens are trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be caught gawking.

Talent: The Eighth Deadly Sin

I was at work the other day and had a sudden moment of zen. My eyeballs stopped focusing and the work in front of me disappeared.

I knew it wasn't blindness, because moments of clarity are kind of the opposite of that.

Anyway, the thought I had was this:

To everyone else, our talents are excuses.

People are show-offs. We have to be. From the time we're kids, we want others to notice what we can do. And even though it's supposed to demonstrate strength and character, the motive is always a selfish one because it requires attention from another person to work.

But if the observer doesn't care, then it comes across as a cry for attention, unless you're really good, in which case it is passed off either as talent or luck and puts that observer in a jealous mood that he was not in before you showed up.

And if he does care, he's probably wondering how he can exploit you.

So, regardless of what you originally wanted to prove, a jealous person now cares more about the talent you have than who you are, and is plotting to exploit your gift to his own end and prove to another person that he can beat you at your own game before you even finished it.

Then my vision returned and I saw a sentence that needed a comma.

Electing to Vote

Voting is important. Do you know how I know? Because I have been told by other people. I have also been told why it's important, by other people. But no one has ever asked me why I think it's important.

And if they do, they will be really disappointed.

Because it's just as important to recognize your right to vote as it is to recognize your right not to vote.

I'm not being unpatriotic, that's simply the freedom of choice. And if you try to put more value on your pro-voting viewpoint, that's fine.

But if you spin it into why it's right for me, that's unpatriotic. For now, let's call it ballotism.

I talked to someone today who was planning not to vote. Instead of lecturing her, I said, "Okay." Because for her, it's the right choice.

Then I talked to someone else, who grilled me on who I would vote for. Just for the insinuation, I replied, "Whoever's the Democrat."

I hate when Republicans do that, but for a different reason.

Anyway, that answer was not correct. "Okay, who's the democratic candidate for governor?" "The Democrat." "But who is it?" "It doesn't matter, it will tell me on the ballot." "But it's important to know who it is!"

Why?

Will he do a better job tucking in my child at night?

Will he do a better job watching Firefly with my wife?

Can he sauté asparagus better than me?

The answer to these questions, of course, is "Get out of my house."

Soldiers who gave their lives for our right to choose did not do it so we could act like children on the political playground, singling out others in their name just because they do not want to vote. That's a choice too. Let them be.

"But their vote counts!"

That's because they're in a free country. Let them be.

The easiest mistake to make is assuming that, if it's important to you, then it should be important to everyone. By that logic, it should be important for you to wash your whites in warm water because I do. No. It's important for me to wash my whites at all. You can do whatever the hell you want. That's freedom. And I'm not going to get up in your face on Laundry Day because you don't want to do yours. That's your choice. Plus you might smell bad.

I survived through all eight of the Reagan years and sixteen years under two Bushes. If I learned anything, it's that you can live on less and get really jaded, so I understand the importance of voting. But in this politically polarized country, I also learned the fine art of self-preservation that comes with choosing whether or not to participate. It restores reason, calms the nerves, and hands the choice back over to you. That's the power of free thinking, and that's where your vote should come from.

So why do I think voting is important? Because it makes me a better man in my small, ample world, not a tally mark among the millions on the winning or losing side. (Either way, it definitely doesn't make me more intelligent.)

Politics is an endless losing battle fought by the richest one percent of this country's most stubborn, sunshine-blowing morons, which makes it a matter of philosophy I can't possibly condone.

I vote for peace of mind.

Besides, if the other guy gets elected, then I get to exercise my freedom to bitch.

Which is really what voting is all about.

Perdition's Bolts

I have been to Hell, and the sign at the gate reads "Joann's Fabrics - abandon all hope ye who enter here."

Traditional stories of the Depths of the Damned abound with descriptions of searing flame and unbearable heat, but here the fires have been replaced with fleece, satin, denim, silk, gingham, and a whole bunch of other kinds of fabric that I'm embarrassed to know the names of. Demons with beehive hairdos swarm around in aprons with pockets for their scissors. Babies, who were apparently very bad in life, wail in agony. Horrible renditions of songs you think you might know are piped through tin cans.

Unlike Dante's Inferno, there is only one level here. But it is a labyrinth, and every fabric-lined corridor leads into another one. As one might expect, all signs in Hell read "50% off" to distract you from leaving and give you a false sense of happiness. If you try to leave a trail of bread crumbs, the demons will inform you that they do not allow food in Hell. (That is the only part that seems to make any sense to me. I mean, it wouldn't be Hell if you could walk around with a cheeseburger.)

Posy, my guide, advised me to take up several bolts of fine-woven hellcloth, I assume to keep me from being tormented by one of Hell's employees. Meanwhile my daughter, Poppy, darted about the place with reckless abandon, fawning over every yard of fib-spun fabric adorned with puppies, peace signs, or princesses. I cautioned her on the dangers of enjoying herself too much in Hell, but my wholesome fatherly wisdom was lost in a smothering sea of adorable puppy fleece.

As little as I like to admit this, I carry a light burden of masculinity, but with each passing moment I vowed to God that I would recant my hatred for power tools and spring for the first piece of electrical equipment I could find. God didn't hear my prayer, but Hell did, and when I turned the corner I was met with a bunch of sewing machines.

No cries in Hell are met with mercy, no timeline for escape given. The only respite -- O, to call it that in such a place! -- is in Hell's catalogs. In the pages of Simplicity I found a small measure of comfort, and the walls of cloth fell away around me as pages of beautiful vixens proudly sported about in fetching outfits. But all too soon we resumed our journey, and entered back into the cute-patterned halls of Hades.

After one and one-half eternities we found ourselves at Hell's checkout counter, where we paid the ferryman 44 dollars and were granted passage back to the land of the living. With the fabric we brought back, a Halloween costume for Poppy will be fashioned in the image of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, a solemn reminder of how far from Kansas we have truly been.

Martian Dust Devil

A dusty whisper

lifts like a ghost and crosses.

A breath without life

Canyon

Rock swallows river

River drinks from rock and gives

away its secrets

Elephant

Planted feet like roots

Huge trunk and two gentle knots

An oak tree with eyes

On Being 40

This post was written two months ago, on my 40th birthday. I just realized I hadn't posted it yet. So here you go.

PS - No joking about forgetfulness and old age. I've been forgetting since I can't remember when.

And now, the post.

This is the first day of my 40s, and I've been asked by several people if being 40 means we're old. My answer is no. Here's why:

1. Many people are older than 40. Some are even 50.

2. The Earth is 4,000,000,000 years old. The Universe is 14,000,000,000 years old. I'm 40. In those terms, that's barely enough time to realize that you even think you're old.

3. Many people do not get to live to be 40, so I consider myself lucky.

4. There aren't actually any rules about being 40, except that you can't run around with no pants on, but that one starts when you turn 30.

5. No laws of physics state that 40 will be a bad time. Except maybe the one about gravity.

6. "40" is actually a number. I am not 40. I am John.

7. Only you can make yourself become older. 40 can only make you wiser.

8. "40" is the atomic number of zirconium.

I don't really feel like I'm 40. I just want some good sushi.

Easter Egg Hunt at Memorial Park, 1977

I didn't find a single one. I'm smiling into an empty basket.

I carry that feeling with me to this day, especially if I'm trying to find an airport.

Capturing the Data

Carry On, My Wayward Neanderthal

I try not to follow the news too much, but I keep coming back to the story about the airline employee sent to jail for cussing out a passenger, who had accidentally hit him over the head with a bag but refused to apologize.

Which brings me to cavemen.

Cavemen do not understand the intricacies of capitalism. They do not care if you are the customer. If you hit a caveman over the head with anything softer than granite, he will think one of two things:

1) You are interested in courtship.

2) You need to be removed from the gene pool.

Our ancestors did not pour hundreds of thousands of years of survival instinct into our genes so that some idiot with an entitlement complex could bonk us on the head with a carry-on bag.

Which is why capitalism is evolution in reverse.

On a Roll

On walking into the men's room today, I saw several rolls of toilet paper sitting out. The brand name was "Preference."

It was one of those moments of zen that stops all conscious thought. Then:

Who gets to name toilet paper? Is there a contest? Does the name have to convey dignity? What do these people look like? Are they embarrassed to talk with others about their jobs? "It's true, I'm the one who came up with 'Preference.' That one took all night. Hey could I get another martini over here?"

I know that my job as a medical copyeditor is pretty unique, but I mean, I don't get to name toilet paper.

For a point of reference, I am 14 and in marching band. She is 6 and entering Kindergarten.

Thursdays on First was created by Rochester's planning committee as a way to make people come out of their offices each summer for one day a week, and into actual sunlight.

As Midwesterners, we don't see a lot of sun, so we are more apt to miss the cues (ie, sunshine).

But more importantly, we have a proud tradition of appearing as if we're not enjoying ourselves very much. Thus, we need the proper stimuli to coax us from our fluorescently lit environs and emerge en masse. (Self pity is less effective if people are seen in large groups, purposefully enjoying something tangible.)

The methodology is simple: flood the immediate downtown area with local vendors selling everything from homemade jewelry to homemade scarves. Then add music, sugar, and meat, and you've got 2 blocks of a full-blown, unadulterated nice time.

I don't go often myself, but when I do, it's mostly to take in the smoky aromas of sizzling food, get some vitamin D, and practice my weaving skills.

Unless it's raining.